My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.