Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”