I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My patience has stretch marks.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.