It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.