Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
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Time heals everything 🙂
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I triple waxed for this?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]