poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
You Might Also Like
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I saw nothing
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all