I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
You Might Also Like
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me