When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
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That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
secret recipe
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.