coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.