bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
couldn’t resist
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.