I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.