I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.