if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
This story is comedy gold 😂
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.