ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
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“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.