You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”