Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
can’t catch a break
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away