Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.