A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host