If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️