My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
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INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.