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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Sharon I have some bad news
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism