Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.