[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*