Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I don’t know what to do
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….