Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Sharon, call the vet
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy