I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.