Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
this has done me in for some reason
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared