Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Found my door mat
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
forgive me baja for i have blast