I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
You Might Also Like
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Tier 3 meme
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.