My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
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If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Respect
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.