coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Seems kinda suspicious
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.