wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?