A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
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Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.