(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.