FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.