Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?