[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
wtf is a larm clock?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Smallpox sounds so adorable