Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
You Might Also Like
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
waiting for halloween be like:
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.