Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
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Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
synchronized noseblowing
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors