[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
You sure about that?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers