purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
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All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?