[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
men are simple creatures
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?