eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.