[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
what’s really going on
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
wow
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?