This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
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me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
happy friday
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…