My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
tis the season
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now