I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
a public service announcement
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
This one’s “Alex”.