She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
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ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
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