I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
You Might Also Like
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Hmmmmm
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.