The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
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Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.